


Fighting Back in Three (or More) Dimensions

by zinke



Series: United Federation of Kick-Ass Female Characters [1]
Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003), Castle, Damages, Farscape, Leverage, Sanctuary (TV), Stargate SG-1, The X-Files, West Wing
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Fourth Wall, Gen, Meta, Women Being Awesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-07
Updated: 2010-11-07
Packaged: 2017-10-13 02:38:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/131901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zinke/pseuds/zinke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"So we're in agreement; this thing is absolute dren. The question is: what are we going to do about it?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fighting Back in Three (or More) Dimensions

**Author's Note:**

> A few weeks ago, [this flow chart](http://www.overthinkingit.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/Overthinking-It-Female-Character-Flowchart.png) made the rounds on the internet. Needless to say, I was not very impressed with what the chart had to say. Turns out, a whole bunch of other people I know weren't all that happy with it, either. *g*

Sam Carter is on her way to grab a cup of coffee when she hears the low murmur of voices coming from somewhere nearly. Following the sound, she rounds the corner to discover a small group of women clustered around a desk and from the looks of it, not a one of them is very happy.

Her curiosity piqued, she abandons her quest for caffeination and makes her way over. "What's going on?"

Kate Beckett shoots Sam an incredulous look over the rim of her NYPD mug. "You haven't seen this yet?"

Sam shakes her head. "I've been off-world for the past seven days."

"Lucky for you." Kate steps back and gestures at the computer screen. "Go ahead; have a look."

Taking Kate's spot in the crowd, Sam leans in to get a better look at the image on the monitor. "It's a flowchart."

"That's not just any flowchart; it's a—"

" _'Crone'_?!?" Helen Magnus straightens and crosses her arms tightly across her chest. "How dare they!"

"You _are_ one-hundred and fifty-nine years old," Aeryn Sun notes blithely.

Helen gives the other woman a sour look. "One-hundred and fifty-eight. And looking pretty bloody spectacular for my age, if I do say so myself." Helen stops and does a double take when she notices Sam staring at her over Aeryn's left shoulder. "Have we met?"

Sam's eyes widen slightly. "I…don't think so."

"Look at it this way Helen," Sophie Devereux remarks, "at least you're not the 'Team Mom'."

"That doesn't sound so bad," Kate says with a shrug.

"Have you ever _met_ my crew?" Sophie's eyes momentarily drift to the badge clipped to Kate's belt. "Of course not, or you would have had them arrested. Well take it from me; they're completely bonkers, every last one of them."

Sam closes her eyes for a moment and shakes her head as if to clear it. "I still have no idea what any of you are talking about."

"What we're talking about," Aeryn says, pointing an accusing finger at the computer, "is this idiotic 'Female Character Flowchart'…thing."

Sam's brow furrows. "The flowchart? That's all?"

"That's all?" CJ Cregg offers Sam a wicked grin before turning to study the chart. "So you're okay with being called a…" She traces a wandering path across the screen, "…'Sweet Nerd' then, are you?"

"A _what_?!?"

"That's what it says; right here." CJ jabs her finger at a blue bubble in the lower left-hand corner of the chart for emphasis.

"I'm a Colonel in the United States Air Force!" Sam sputters, her cheeks coloring in embarrassment. "I've blown up a sun! I am _not_ sweet!"

"Welcome to the club." Kate grins wryly. "We're considering having jackets made."

"Why—what does it say about you?"

Kate frowns and makes and exaggerated set of air quotes with the fingers of her free hand. "That I'm 'Married to the Job'."

Patty Hewes cocks her head and arches an imperious eyebrow. "Are you?"

"No," Kate retorts just a bit too defensively.

"I don't understand." Laura Roslin takes off her glasses and slips them into her jacket pocket. "Who is Michelle Rodriguez and how exactly am I supposed to resemble her?"

Sam and Sophie glance uncertainly at one another. Patty merely shrugs.

"What I want to know," Dana Scully says peevishly, "is why it's so wrong for me to want to have a child?"

"Oh, come on," CJ drawls. "These people are obviously morons. I mean just look at this thing – it says a strong female character should be three-dimensional. How the hell are we supposed to do that if we're not allowed to fall in love with another character," several members of the group exchange uncomfortable looks, "or be a bitch every once and a while?"

"I died, and I like to believe I'm the better for it." Dana turns to give Laura a disbelieving look. "In a manner of speaking," Laura adds with a shrug.

"And what's so wrong about representing an idea?" Helen purses her lips. "A cliché I can understand; they're terrible, absolutely ridiculous things. But an idea? I thought that was part of what being a fictional character was all about?"

"So we're all in agreement," Aeryn interjects. "This thing is absolute dren. The question is: what are we going to do about it?"

"Don't you think we might be overreacting a little bit? Overthinkingit.com isn't exactly mainstream. I'd be amazed if it gets more than a few thousand hits a day."

Dana arches a delicate eyebrow. "That's easy for you to say, Patty; you _like_ being compared to Lady MacBeth."

Patty grins. "There is something rather poetic about the comparison, isn't there?"

"Save Lady MacBeth's predilection for power and ruthless killing," Helen points out.

Patty's smile becomes almost predatory. "Of course."

"Can't we just…get rid of it?" Aeryn asks, her hand falling to rest on the butt of the gun at her hip.

"It's on the internet!" Sophie exclaims. "That means it's absolutely _everywhere_ by now, thanks to all those damn Twitter people with their RTing and FFing everything. Don't even get me started on Facebook and that ridiculous 'like' button of theirs," she adds with a sniff of disdain.

"Frakking networks," Laura mutters angrily.

"The internet…" CJ murmurs to herself. "Wait—I may have an idea. I know someone who kind of…specializes in this sort of problem."

Sophie eyes CJ speculatively. "And what makes you think he's going to want to help us?"

" _She_. And trust me, if it involves taking out a global computer infrastructure, she's in. Besides, I really don't think she's going to be happy when she finds out she's being referred to as 'Mama Bear' on the World Wide Web."

Patty nods approvingly. "Playing dirty. I like it, CJ."

"They don't call me the 'Lady of War' for nothing."

"'Lady of War'?" Sam asks dubiously. "Why can't _I_ be called that?"

CJ nonchalantly waves her off. "It's a thing."

"So," Kate says, her expression all business, "who is this mysterious crusader that's going to help us prevent the destruction of everything female fictional characters have been working for over the past ten years?"

"Her name," CJ says as she switches off the computer and leans back in her chair, "is Sarah Connor."

 

*fin.*


End file.
